Sunday, February 28, 2016

An LGBTisch In the Heart of Orthodoxy: A Reflection On the Past, A Wish For the Future

It was a (a)typical Friday Night in Washington Heights; the hub of traditional, establishment, Modern Orthodoxy, and home to its flagship institution - Yeshiva University. In what would look like a standard YU/Stern (YU’s college for women) inspired Friday night Tisch (a gathering to sing and socialize in celebration of the Jewish Shabbat), we were a group of over 150 young Jews socializing over great Chulent (a Traditional Shabbat dish) and songs. Everyone in the room was having a great time, nothing news worthy about that. Nevertheless, something else made that event so overwhelmingly special that I decided, I don’t care if I have time or not, I have to write it down. It was (possibly the first of its kind, at least in that magnitude), what we called, an LGBTisch (and allies). Almost everyone in the room was from an Orthodox Jewish background, and at the same time queer identified - or at least openly supportive of their Queer friends. Furthermore, most of the people in the room (excluding myself…) currently identify as Queer-Orthodox Jews (hyphenated intentionally).
A few weeks ago, after the Eshel National Retreat, I was overwhelmed in a similar way. While I am constantly vocal about my very non-orthodox beliefs and disbeliefs, and proudly identify as a Secular Jew of some sort (and add a few other labels if you so please, such as Humanist, and lover of Jewish-Renewal, personally, I hate labels), Orthodox Judaism is still part of who I am. Admittedly, most of my interactions with it are negative, yet it is not something I can ignore. I can count several reasons; if not for the fact that wiping out 20 years of one’s life is not that easy, it is for the fact that my child lives in an Orthodox community, or just an internal (naïve?) hope for an in depth awakening within Orthodoxy. The latter - hope for change within Orthodoxy - is actually the one reason I gave up on a while ago. Until I woke up to a reality that was literally just the opposite of what I would expect; I came out as an openly queer Jew.
It might sound Ironic, but ‘living out’ as a queer Jew, reinstated my hope for, and believe in, a better and accepting future within Orthodoxy. I find myself surrounded by proud Jews more than I ever did in the last four years. Even more, for the first time since going Off The Derech, I once again feel welcomed in some Orthodox settings.[1]
          The LGBTisch was just another, yet amusingly, such an important milestone in the history of Queer Judaism as a whole, and specifically Queer Orthodoxy. An outsider reading this probable thinks that I am overreacting. However, to me, and to the others in the room on that Friday night, it felt like our very own Stonewall Riots - in some way - although peaceful. 60 years ago our forbearers went out on the streets of America’s (and perhaps the Western World’s) [counter-]Cultural Capital, the West Village, and announced that enough is enough, and it is about time to ‘get better’ for the LGBT community. This time we gathered in (one of) the cultural capital of Modern-Orthodoxy, and in the ultimate Jewish way - a Friday Night gathering - we announced that it is time to ‘get besser[2]’ for the Jewish Orthodox-Queer community. There is no better way to launch a Jewish riot than a group of over 150 Jews - Queer identified, and these who are just amazingly strong allies - gathering to announce, “Hey Rabbis, hey Orthodoxy, we are Queer Jews, and we are here to stay.”
          The event itself was nothing noteworthy, just singing, reciting Divrei Torah (words of wisdom), and personal stories. Nevertheless, exactly that was noteworthy. While we were sitting in a circle and singing traditional Shabbat songs, as well as old and new Hasidic (a 18th century anti-establishment Jewish Movement) songs, in addition to some of our very own Queer versions (such as ‘Anshei Chayel’[3]),
One of the original songs performed at the event...
I couldn’t stop wondering where all these queer orthodox people come from. At one point during the night, I could not help myself but turn to one of my local friends and check in whatever they are any Cis/Straight Jews living in Washington Heights… I met some of the most courageous, self-determent, yet community oriented human beings. They were old friends; and I made new ones, they were people who are ‘out’; and they were these who are still finding their way out, but altogether it was one of the best groups of people I have ever spend time with. While I am writing these words, over a week later, I am still tearing up, and cannot find a way to describe it.
          I want to touch on one other point. Thankfully, the Jewish community, especially in the North America, does not lack in LGBT support groups. From LGBT specific organizations such as JQY, Keshet, Eshel, and more, to numerous Queer support groups within existing Jewish communities and college campuses (YU might be one of the only Universities in New York without an official LGBT support group). Nonetheless, most of these groups are by queer people for queer people, and that is amazing. What is even better is an event like this one, one that is clearly open and inviting to our amazing “Allies.” The reason for that is twofold. First and foremost, it serves those who need our support perhaps more than anyone else - people that are still ‘in the closet’ so to speak. No doubt, we are sadly still living in a world where we need to DO SOMETHING to get our so needed support as Queer Humans, but for our siblings still in hiding, this is life support. Only an event that is open to allies can achieve this goal. Then, there is the hope for change. We are not just trying to survive as our true selves; we are trying to thrive, within the broader human family. In my humble opinion, having more LGBT AND Allies events, is bringing us closer to this goal.
          Okay enough said.
          I am writing this post as a way of reflecting and sharing my own personal feelings, yet the stronger message is one I want to share with the world, the Jewish community, and above all, with Orthodox Judaism. We still have a long way to go. I am totally ignoring the fact that all of this is happening within the boundaries of Modern-Orthodoxy, which is still at the very beginning of its way towards equality. I am not even thinking (as of now) about my community of origin, Ultra-Orthodoxy.[4] It is heartbreaking that an event like this in Hasidic Williamsburg or Yeshivish (non-Hasidic Lithuanian Ultra-Orthodox Jews) Lakewood - in the open, is beyond anyone’s wildest/sweetest dream. However, we are sending a clear message. To the establishment, the rabbis, institutions, etc. we are exclaiming: WE ARE HERE TO STAY. We, Queer Jews of Orthodox background, are not going anywhere. We grew, we are growing, and we will grow, in numbers and in depth. It is about time to show us the ultimate Jewish value of love, and endurance.
          At the same time, we have a message to every struggling individual, within religious communities and beyond. A message that I have said before, and will continue to preach until there isn’t even a single child, living in a world that tells them ‘your feelings are erroneous’ who has not heard this memorandum: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are not crazy, you are not a sinner, but you ARE amazing! We are here for you. There is a loving community, made up by some of the most inspiring individuals alive, waiting to share their love!!!
With sight on the future,
Abby @ The Second Transition

[1]  No worries, the chances of me becoming orthodox again are lower than the chances of becoming a Buddhist or Sufi… sorry Orthodox friends, had to say it.
[2] Yiddish for Better.
[3] Find the full text in the first comment on this post. Feel free to post corrections and edits, as well as to copy it and use it as you please.
[4] I can not skip on that without mentioning the lifesaving organization “Footsteps” which helps these who are leaving Ultra-Orthodox communities. In addition to being a place that encourages every member to live their own life to the fullest, it is one of the most LGBT friendly spaces I am part of. Find us at


  1. The full text of the Anshei Chayel:
    אנשי חיל מי ימצא. ורחק מפנינים מכרו: בטח בו לב בעלו. ושלל לא יחסר: גמלתו טוב ולא רע. כל ימי חייו: דרש צמר ופשתים. ויעש בחפץ כפיו: היה כאניות סוחר. ממרחק יביא לחמו: ויקם בעוד לילה. ויתן טרף לביתו וחק לנערתיו: זמם שדה ויקחהו. מפרי כפיו נטע כרם: חגר בעוז מתניו. ויאמץ זרועתיו: טעם כי טוב סחרו. לא יכבה בלילה נרו: ידיו שלח בכישור. וכפיו תמכו פלך: כפו פרש לעני. וידיו שלח לאביון: לא ירא לביתו משלג. כי כל ביתו לבש שנים: מרבדים עשה לו. שש וארגמן לבושו: נודע בשערים בעלו. בשבתו עם זקני ארץ: סדין עשה וימכור. וחגור נתן לכנעני: עז והדר לבושו. וישחק ליום אחרון: פיו פתח בחכמה. ותורת חסד על לשונו: צופה הליכות ביתו. ולחם עצלות לא יאכל: קמו בניו ויאשרוהו. בעלו ויהללו: רבים בנים עשו חיל. ואתה עלית על כולנם: שקר החן והבל היפי. איש יראת יהוה הוא יתהלל: תנו לו מפרי ידיו. ויהללוהו בשערים מעשיו:

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. Personal attacks, on anyone will be erased. For reference, the latest comments were erased by a blog moderator, not by Abby.

  4. I'm so glad I found your story online, which then referred me to your blog. I am so proud of you and the wonderful, uplifting work you are doing with your own community! Keep up the good work, continue to heal and grow, and stay strong! Connell O'Donovan, Salt Lake City, UT


  5. Coming up on 47 years since Stonewall, not 60! It's an important distinction - Every decade of the 20th Century encompassed so much change that placing something 10+ years away from its actual place on the timeline causes quite a distortion!
    (Congratulations & bravo btw, from one trans person to another. Living the truth is the biggest revolution.)

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  7. I've been really moved reading your well-written blog posts. As the parent of a trans Jewish 4.5-year-old girl, I feel overwhelmingly grateful to activists like you who are paving the way for her to be out and still have a strong sense of belonging in the Jewish and wider world.

  8. I guess any opposing view is not tolerated by you. That's cowardice!

  9. Anshei? that something new...